Going Postal

Received the following urgent email alert today from CNN:

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-----Original Message-----
From: BreakingNews@MAIL.CNN.COM [mailto:BreakingNews@MAIL.CNN.COM]
Sent: Tuesday, January 31, 2006 7:03 AM
To: TEXTBREAKINGNEWS@CNNIMAIL12.CNN.COM
Subject: CNN Breaking News

-- Female ex-employee kills six people, self, in shooting at postal sorting offices in Goleta, California, authorities say.

Watch CNN or log on to http://cnn.com/ and watch FREE video, plus live, commercial-free video with CNN Pipeline. More Americans watch CNN. More Americans trust CNN.

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Exactly what is it about working in a post office that makes people go postal? I can't imagine that somehow post office jobs are more stressful than MINE! I work for a record company. We don't bring guns to work and go "record company" do we?

Someone should do a study -- in particular, why postal workers own so many more guns than the general population.

(c) 2006 Empress of the Universe
aka Michelle Henderson

Online: www.EmpressGallery.com

Shaking Hands with Stupid People

From the news:

Obesity 'Can Be Caught Like A Cold'The Telegraph (UK) ^ 1-31-2006 Roger Highfield
Obesity 'can be caught like a cold'
By Roger Highfield, Science Editor(Filed: 31/01/2006)
Evidence that obesity could be contagious was published yesterday by American researchers - and washing your hands could be an elementary step to avoiding the virus and becoming overweight.

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I have an uncle who is very large. In fact, he's obese. It breaks my heart to think that people may shun shaking hands with him from some ridiculous fear that they will become obese.

I challenge the research. Unless they can also prove that shaking hands with gays can make you gay.

But then I realized I had enough evidence to publish my own conclusion: the stupid virus explains why there are so many stupid people in the world. Shaking Hands with Stupid People spreads the Stupid Virus. What other explanation do we have for the state of our world?

(c) 2006 Empress of the Universe
aka Michelle Henderson

Visit online at www.empressgallery.com

The Great Wall of China

Me and my husband on the Great Wall of China at Mutianyu. You can *hear* how steep it is!

A Robert Munsch-like story

Here's proof that listening to Robert Munsch causes one to start to talk just like him! This is (almost) a true story.

One day, Michelle sent Mark a contract. And Mark said, "I don't like this contract. It has big words and no money and there's a great big strawberry jam blob on it. I won't sign this contract. I won't I won't I won't."

So Michelle rewrote the contract and sent it back to him. When she sent it she said, "I took out all the big words and I added some more money and there was no strawberry jam within 30 kilometers when I printed it. Please sign the contract."

Mark said, "Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!" But when he opened the contract, he wasn't happy at all. He said, "I don't like this contract. It has my address wrong and there's not enough money and there's little bits of fly poop all over the third page."

So Michelle rewrote the contract again. She fixed the address, she added more money and she took out all the little bits of fly poop one by one. It took her 17 days just to pick out fly poop. She put the contract into an hermetically sealed container, then put it into a super plastic bag from Sobey's (tied it at the top), and then she put it into a GREAT BIG IRON BOX -- it took 37 men just to lift the box onto the truck -- and they drove it to Montreal."

This time when Michelle sent the contract she said, "I fixed your address and I added more money and there's no way a fly could have survived to poop on any page. Please sign the contract."

Mark said, "Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!" But when the truck arrived at Mark's house, Mark wasn't home. They couldn't deliver the contract -- and even if Mark had been home, they couldn't find 37 men to lift the box out of the truck, so the truck turned around, left Mark's neighbourhood, started driving all around Canada and was never seen again. Mark called Michelle and said, "I never got your contract. Please send it again."

And Michelle said, "This boy is DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! "

So Michelle printed 194 copies of the contract. She tied 38 copies to the leg of a homing pigeon and threw it up into the air. She put 69 copies into the wheel of a Greyhound bus headed east on the 401. She gave 86 copies to her grandma who said that she once knew a boy named Mark Goldman. And she sent the very last copy to Mark by email.

The next day, Mark opened up his email and said "Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!" Mark's inbox was filling up quickly. Arriving just for him were 320 offers to enlarge his penis, 93 promises to give him a credit card and 22 viruses from friends. There was no email from Michelle. But at the very end of that long list of incoming mail, there was one tiny little message that said, "Did you go to Mitchell's Academy for the second grade?"

And Mark HAD gone to Mitchell's Academy for the second grade. So that was the only email message he opened. The message was from Michelle's grandma and inside the message was a copy of Michelle's contract. The message said, "Hello. If your name is Mark Goldman and you went to Mitchell's Academy for the second grade, then this is for you."

So Mark opened the contract. The address was right and the money was right and there was no strawberry jam or fly poop anywhere near the contract. So he signed it.

And that's the end of that story.

Originally written September 18, 2003

Robert Munsch once wrote a (short) story about me. Really! Click here to read it!

(c) Michelle Henderson
aka Empress of the Universe

www.empressgallery.com

Can't find work? Here's probably why...

Your resume probably didn’t even pass the first stage of evaluation but your prospective employer may be too kind to let you know why. Here are 12 sure-fire attention-getters to guarantee that you won’t get the gig:

1. Email me from your current employer’s email address.

2. Don’t follow my submission instructions. If I asked for your application via email, make sure that you phone, fax and, especially, show up in person.

3. Use an unprofessional email address (ex. bigdick@yahoo.com).

4. Save your resume with cute or unprofessional file names (ex. shannonstuff.doc). While you’re at it, make sure that you use lots of different font styles, sizes and colors. Make your resume long, a layout nightmare and very difficult to read.

5. Don’t send a cover letter. If you do send a cover letter by mistake, make sure that it’s addressed to “Dear Sir/Madam” even though my name is included in the employment ad. Or save time – just send the cover letter that you addressed to the last application you made.

6. If you choose to ignore rule number five, make at least one spelling mistake in your cover letter and/or resume (ex. “I am recognized for my careful attention to detial.”)

7. Apply for a non-existent job because that’s what you’re really looking for. Or apply for the advertised position but make sure that you have absolutely no qualifications or relevant experience for that position because it’s something that you always wanted to do. (We once had a lumberjack apply for a publicity position. Really!) Another idea: just send out your resume in response to any and all advertisements to fulfill your Employment Insurance quota.

8. Whatever you do, don’t visit our website before submitting your resume. If you actually get away with it, don’t visit our website before your interview. Make sure you know nothing about our company. Not doing simple homework will guarantee that you won’t get the job.

9. Carelessly refer to me (or anyone else in my organization) by the wrong gender. If you are not sure of a person’s gender, assume everyone in business must be a man.

10. Don’t reply to every email you receive from me. If I send you an email thanking you for your application (even if it’s a form letter), please don’t waste your time sending me a quick reply confirming my thank you. Why show that your follow-up is impeccable?

11. Invite me to call you at your current employer’s establishment.

12. Finally, if you actually get so far as to receive a request for an interview, assure me that you can “tell them something to get out of work.” That quickly confirms that you are definitely not the kind of employee I want as part of my team!

Update March 31, 2006: this essay sat untouched for more than 2 years until an interview with a job prospect last week. Here are two more ways to guarantee that you won't get the job:

13. Just prior to your interview, eat two cloves of garlic, bite a large Spanish onion and whatever you do, don't dryclean your suit coat (especially if you're a smoker). (Thanks to Sandy Gardner for those!)

14. Call your former boss "a bitch" during your interview. Why beat around the bush? May as well let me know in advance that you swear like a sailor, have no discretion and talk freely about people behind their backs. Yup, that's just the type of person we want working here, isn't it!?

© 2004, 2006 Michelle Henderson
aka Empress of the Universe

Visit online www.empressgallery.com

Inalienable Truths (of the Music Industry)

Some time ago I was asked to be a guest lecturer about my career in the music industry. The music industry today is nothing like it was twenty-five years ago when I joined, and I didn't think my career would be relevant to a bunch of twenty-somethings. Instead I tried to share with them some of the lessons I have learned in this industry. You may find this true, helpful, an insight into my experiences, or just another useless blog in the universe.

Michelle Henderson’s Inalienable Truths (of the Music Industry)

* Always have a goal. Then develop a strategy for achieving your goal.

* Go to where the job is – don’t wait for the job to come to you.

* Be willing to do anything – and stay that way throughout your entire career. Your flexibility will get you farther, guaranteed. Volunteer to work for free if you REALLY want it.

* Think outside the major label box. Where is the future growth of this industry? There are rewarding opportunities at specialty labels all across Canada and the US.

* KNOW your market. Know your audience. Know your customer. Know how the system works. Know every step.

* Sex and drugs may seem enticing, but they are dangerous to your career; if not your life.

* There is no such thing as gender equality. If you are a woman of child-bearing years, you are suspect. When you choose to have a family, you can expect to lose fully three years or more out of your career. Accept it.

* It has taken me 20 years to realize that there is no such thing as balance between family and career. And I’m a Libra. It’s a fallacy; a myth; unless you are working a “job” or are independently wealthy and have a full-time nanny to assist you, you are going to do one or the other better at any given time.

* Don’t accept no for an answer. Challenge, persevere, find creative solutions. Be tenacious (resolute, firm, dogged, persistent, determined – just know the line between stubborn and obstinate)!

* Don’t go to your superior with a problem. Go with suggested solutions.

* Remember that no one has an obligation to teach you anything. If you have a hunger to learn, make sure that people know that you want it, that you’re ready and that you’re willing to commit what is necessary to achieve success. Every teacher wants a hungry student.

* Consider the qualities of the people you most admire and instead of emulating them, incorporate them into who you are – ultimately you will find your own style.

* Make a commitment to life-long learning. The most important investment you will ever make is in yourself.

* You have to be willing to sell a little bit of your soul to succeed in this industry BUT remember that Perception is everything -- so is integrity.

* Be true to yourself. Make sure that you can sleep at night. You may be worried about a problem, but make sure that you’re never worried with a guilty conscience.

* Have a real passion for your job. Love it or leave it and do something that you do love.

* Remember: life is not fair. When you are confronted with this, don't mope...use this to help you avoid similar circumstances in the future.

* Dress the best that you can afford. When you look good, you feel good and when you feel good, you perform better.

* As you progress in your career, learn how to work smarter not harder. Twelve hours a day works when you're young and energetic, but as you gain experience you can accomplish the same results or better with fewer hours and greater quality.

* Be honest...in your relationship with people and your company.....give each 100% of your commitment and integrity.

* Be loyal even though it may be difficult in this day and age of corporate quarterly profits and performance, but if you're lucky enough to find a company with similar loyalty and values, cling to it.

* And the one Inalienable Truth.......the harder I worked the luckier I got.....

(With contributions from Joe Summers, thanks Dad!)

(c) 2002 Michelle Henderson
aka Empress of the Universe