Can't find work? Here's probably why...

Your resume probably didn’t even pass the first stage of evaluation but your prospective employer may be too kind to let you know why. Here are 12 sure-fire attention-getters to guarantee that you won’t get the gig:

1. Email me from your current employer’s email address.

2. Don’t follow my submission instructions. If I asked for your application via email, make sure that you phone, fax and, especially, show up in person.

3. Use an unprofessional email address (ex. bigdick@yahoo.com).

4. Save your resume with cute or unprofessional file names (ex. shannonstuff.doc). While you’re at it, make sure that you use lots of different font styles, sizes and colors. Make your resume long, a layout nightmare and very difficult to read.

5. Don’t send a cover letter. If you do send a cover letter by mistake, make sure that it’s addressed to “Dear Sir/Madam” even though my name is included in the employment ad. Or save time – just send the cover letter that you addressed to the last application you made.

6. If you choose to ignore rule number five, make at least one spelling mistake in your cover letter and/or resume (ex. “I am recognized for my careful attention to detial.”)

7. Apply for a non-existent job because that’s what you’re really looking for. Or apply for the advertised position but make sure that you have absolutely no qualifications or relevant experience for that position because it’s something that you always wanted to do. (We once had a lumberjack apply for a publicity position. Really!) Another idea: just send out your resume in response to any and all advertisements to fulfill your Employment Insurance quota.

8. Whatever you do, don’t visit our website before submitting your resume. If you actually get away with it, don’t visit our website before your interview. Make sure you know nothing about our company. Not doing simple homework will guarantee that you won’t get the job.

9. Carelessly refer to me (or anyone else in my organization) by the wrong gender. If you are not sure of a person’s gender, assume everyone in business must be a man.

10. Don’t reply to every email you receive from me. If I send you an email thanking you for your application (even if it’s a form letter), please don’t waste your time sending me a quick reply confirming my thank you. Why show that your follow-up is impeccable?

11. Invite me to call you at your current employer’s establishment.

12. Finally, if you actually get so far as to receive a request for an interview, assure me that you can “tell them something to get out of work.” That quickly confirms that you are definitely not the kind of employee I want as part of my team!

Update March 31, 2006: this essay sat untouched for more than 2 years until an interview with a job prospect last week. Here are two more ways to guarantee that you won't get the job:

13. Just prior to your interview, eat two cloves of garlic, bite a large Spanish onion and whatever you do, don't dryclean your suit coat (especially if you're a smoker). (Thanks to Sandy Gardner for those!)

14. Call your former boss "a bitch" during your interview. Why beat around the bush? May as well let me know in advance that you swear like a sailor, have no discretion and talk freely about people behind their backs. Yup, that's just the type of person we want working here, isn't it!?

© 2004, 2006 Michelle Henderson
aka Empress of the Universe

Visit online www.empressgallery.com